When I was pregnant with my daughter 7 short years ago, I was so excited.  I envisioned nothing but blissful moments holding, loving and caring for the baby girl I had been dreaming of and praying for.  I LOVED being pregnant in those final months and I could not wait to meet her. 

I never saw it coming.  She arrived and starting on postpartum day 2, I lost it.  I wanted to take it all back.  I was completely hopeless about the future.  I dreaded waking up in the morning.  I was so exhausted and yet so anxiety ridden, that I couldn't sleep.  I had no appetite.  I never wanted to harm my daughter (thank God), but I remember feeling that if anything happened to her, it would be ok.  It was debilitating.  And I was so ashamed.  I literally don't think I would have survived it without my husband and mother being as understanding and supportive as they were. 

I remember sitting on the chair in my daughter's room and talking on the phone with my doctor, sobbing and rocking back and forth.  I would have done anything to make all those feelings disappear.  All I can say is, thank God I got help.

The antidepressants worked.  I regained my hope and my happiness.  I bonded with my daughter.  I was me again. 

This time around, knowing what I had been through in the past, I decided to start my meds right away and I am so glad I did.  On about postpartum day 3, I was flooded with so many familiar emotions... and not the good ones.  I had convinced myself that this time, somehow, I could control it.  And now, here I was again... hopeless, anxious and sad.  And feeling so guilty for all of those feelings, when I knew that I had SO MUCH to be thankful for.  

Now before you have pity on me, know that I am good now.  I am really really great, actually.  I couldn't be more in love with my newest little and I couldn't be more grateful for this beautiful family of mine.  Why would I share such a painful time then, you ask?  Because I believe that it needs to be discussed.   And because I want anyone suffering to know that they don't have to suffer alone and that there is help. 


xoxo <3