When I was pregnant with my daughter 7 short years ago, I was so excited. I envisioned nothing but blissful moments holding, loving and caring for the baby girl I had been dreaming of and praying for. I LOVED being pregnant in those final months and I could not wait to meet her.
I never saw it coming. She arrived and starting on postpartum day 2, I lost it. I wanted to take it all back. I was completely hopeless about the future. I dreaded waking up in the morning. I was so exhausted and yet so anxiety ridden, that I couldn't sleep. I had no appetite. I never wanted to harm my daughter (thank God), but I remember feeling that if anything happened to her, it would be ok. It was debilitating. And I was so ashamed. I literally don't think I would have survived it without my husband and mother being as understanding and supportive as they were.
I remember sitting on the chair in my daughter's room and talking on the phone with my doctor, sobbing and rocking back and forth. I would have done anything to make all those feelings disappear. All I can say is, thank God I got help.
The antidepressants worked. I regained my hope and my happiness. I bonded with my daughter. I was me again.
This time around, knowing what I had been through in the past, I decided to start my meds right away and I am so glad I did. On about postpartum day 3, I was flooded with so many familiar emotions... and not the good ones. I had convinced myself that this time, somehow, I could control it. And now, here I was again... hopeless, anxious and sad. And feeling so guilty for all of those feelings, when I knew that I had SO MUCH to be thankful for.
Now before you have pity on me, know that I am good now. I am really really great, actually. I couldn't be more in love with my newest little and I couldn't be more grateful for this beautiful family of mine. Why would I share such a painful time then, you ask? Because I believe that it needs to be discussed. And because I want anyone suffering to know that they don't have to suffer alone and that there is help.